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The Columbia Star SC SEPTEMBER 8. 2006 5
trio
Mike Maddock
There is a trend in
education called the family
project. In a perfect world,
the family project should
bring a smile to your face
and warm your heart.
Think about it. Proud
moms, dads, and their chil-
dren are seated around the
kitchen table with some
Elmer's Glue, a pile of con-
struction paper, and those
little scissors that couldn't
cut through a stick of butter.
Together, the parents and
kids are discussing the intri-
cacies of the Revolutionary
War while constructing a
scale model of George
Washington's crossing of the
Delaware River. No timeta-
bles no worries just hours
of quality time between
adults and children.
But this isn't a perfect
world, is it?
The reality is more like
this. Mum and Dad have
either forgotten about this
project or little Junior has
put it off to the last possible
second. Suddenl3; a normal,
hectic night turns into com-
plete pandemonium.
Mum is torn between
teaching her child a hard
lesson and letting that child
suffer the embarrassment of
an incomplete project or
suffering the embarrassment
herself when Timmy and his
perfect mum show up to
class with a Gettysburg doc-
umentary that would make
Ken Bums a little jealous.
Dad is having flash-
backs to his sophomore year
in high school when he was
a world-class procrastinator
himself. He could have got-
ten an A on his science proj-
ect by studying the effects of
cigarette smoke on the
Himalayan hissing cock-
roach over the course of sev-
eral months, but instead he
settled for a D on a volcano
pitifully constructed the
night before the due date. ,
The result is that a
nice evening at home is sud-
denly turned into a
free--for-all. Mum is doing
her best MacGyver imitation
trying to turn a pizza box, a
couple of paper clips, and a
slightly used coloring book
into the Delaware River,
while dad is mumbling
something about baking
soda and vinegar.
Meanwhile the two perfectly
innocent siblings are living
out aLord of the Flies fanta-
sy in the playroom because
they have been forced to
rough it out and survive the
rest of the night on their
own. It's not pretty.
After a lot of crying
and fussing, Mum finally
sends Dad to the playroom
with a box of tissues and a
shield to deal with the sud-
denly native other children.
Mum manages to throw
something together with her
child and teach her not only
something about the birth of
our nation, but about the
evils of procrastination. "You
don't want to end up like
your father, do you?"
The next day Mum
takes her child to school
with the completed project
in hand trying desperately to
avoid Timmy and his perfect
mum.
I'm all for family proj-
ects. I just don't want my
child's grade depending on
it. Let me handle the family
togetherness. We've got
some bushes that need
planting, and the playroom
could always use a good
cleaning out.
I've paid my dues.
Nearly two decades of
school definitely taught me
one thing; I don't want to go
to school anymore. It's time
to give my kids the home-
work and pass on a legacy of
learning that may include a
few volcanic flashbacks for
my kids and their class-
mates.
No cell phones
in this courtroom!
Cell phones now seem to be a permanent part of an
American's profile. Many subscribers are canceling hard-
wire phones at home in favor of the completely portable cell
.phones.
Everybody uses them, from teens to seniors. I've seen
teens walking two feet apart in the mall, talking to each
other on cell phones. Surveys on cell phone use report that
men talk- more often than women, but women talk longer.
Sounds about right to me.
But three people using cell phones ran afoul of the law
last month in Indiana. The scene was in criminal court
where signs were posted in the hallway: "Turn off cell
phones." As court was gaveled into session, County Criminal
Court Judge Diane Boswell warned: "I want cell phones
turned off in this courtroom."
Moments later the sound of cell phones ringing
echoed throughout the courtroom. It seemed the sound
came from the second row of spectators. Nobody would
admit their cell phone rang, so the judge ordered the bailiff
to move all five people to seats normally reserved for jail
prisoners. Even after that, one cell phone rang again.
An hour later, when court concluded, the judge turned
her full attention to the cell people. One of them claimed
what the judge heard was his cell phone "powering down"
after he turned it off. When all was said and done, three of
the five people were charged with contempt of court, for not
turning off their cell phones as ordered.
One woman agreed to pay a $100 fine, but the other
two were sentenced to 40 hours of community service. Don't
these folks have a "vibrate" setting, and don't unanswered
calls automatically go into a voice message box?
Cell phones in restaurants are also annoying, although
not illegal. Why do people have to talk so loud on their cell
phone? And why do they talk at all when they're in a movie
theater?
What we need is a code of good manners for cell
phone users. Good manners? What an archaic topic that is.
C llthecops@sc.rr.com
Mike Cox
Things used to be so
simple. I could grab a bag of
Cheez-Its and a Michelob,
turn the TV to Keith Jackson
on a September Saturda
and relax, knowing ABC
would give me football with-
out any unnecessary frills.
After the game was
over, I could relax with a
glass of milk and a few
Oreos; the World was fine
and I was in tune with it.
Then everything started to
get complicated. We needed
more choices. At least the
advertisers told us we need-
ed more choices.
Michelob got Light.
Then along came Michelob
Ultra, then Ultra Amber.
Now there are countless
beers out there, but when
you look closer, most have
Anheuser-Busch or Miller in
fine print on the label.We
appear to have a multitude
of choices, butwe really are
just being overwhelmed
with mediocrity.
Cheez-Its now come
in different flavors, shapes,
and combinations. Maybe
the most perfect snack food
on the planet is being
improved. My kids used to
say ifI had beer and
Cheez-Its, everything else
was tolerable. So who needs
Cheez-It snack mix, or those
twisted things that get
orange god on your fingers?
If I want that, I'll buy Chee-
tos.
Then Oreos started
fooling with the formula.
Again, a near perfect snack
food was changed. First
Double Stuf, like we need
more calories. Then choco-
late covered. (These should
be an illegal substance. They
are just too good for human
consumption.) And last
week in Publix, I saw a pack
of Oreos with some French
on the package. I have no
idea what they were sup-
posed to be.
While these insane,
mad food scientists have
been fooling with our pre-
cious snacks and beverages,
the sports world has evolved
into a complicated, mud-
died mess of hi-tech driven,
information overload. When
ABC introduced the irritat-
ing Jim Lampley as a side-
line reporter, everyone knew
it was not a good thing. But
no one realized it would
turn into what we are now
cursed with.
Every sports broad-
cast features all sorts of
graphics; the score and
important current informa-
tion in one corner of the
screen; a scrolling info line
at the bottom telling the
viewer all sorts of useless
stuff.We even have a com-
puter generated yellow line
!
showing us where the first
down is. No longer do we
breathlessly await the offi-
cial's measurement.
Last Monday night's
Full Circle broadcast of the
Miami--Florida State game
featured so much informa-
tion it was impossible to
understand what was going
on. Every one of ESPN's
three hundred networks
offered a different view of
the game, from regular TV to
Hi-Def, to six screen,
geek-attracting, informa-
tion overload.
A particular network
even featured commentary
by an ESPN radio personali-
ty, one of the idiots I spent
several hundred dollars on
satellite radio just to get
away from. Do they think I
want to listen to him?
But I couldn't find the
mute button on the compli-
cated remote and besides,
there was orange god all
over my fingers. This would
never have happened in the
old days.
Dear Star,
I really enjoyed the
article Dog Days of Athens
by Charly Montgomery.
While our version of Western
culture has not extended
that much tolerance to
canines, it nevertheless
reminded me of less oppres-
sive times in Columbia when
a certain number of charis-
matic pooches ran free, often
picking people out to spend
the day with.
I particularly remem-
ber two Charming mutts who
canvassed the Five Points/
Shandon area for years.
Unfortunately, and gradual-
ly, a more "Dog Nazi" atti-
tude prevailed, and the
streets of Columbia are now
safely sterile.
Where Montgomery
left me was right after she
commented: "while all were
skinny, their eyes held none
of that dog sadness that
most cast out pets acquire." I
was right there with her until
the next sentence: "I'm not
sure whyAthenians care so
little for their canine
friends."
I would allow not one
of those dogs would trade
places with an over weight,
leashed, barking, chained
dog over here in the land of
the free.
Go Greece young dog,
go Greece.
Sincerely,
Cony E. Mason
It seems to me that the
discussion of the creeks and
storm drains not being able
to handle stormwater is a bit
like closing the gate after the
cows are out. Thirty-twomil-
lion dollars to fix a problem
that is a watershed problem
not a culvert/storm drain
problem doesn't make sense.
Too many impervious
surfaces from roofs to park-
ing lots and streets are the
obvious culprits, and some
good ideas were put forth
such as pervious paving and
green roofs, which should be
area
incorporated in the plan.
The watershed must
capture the water before it
gets to the creeks and clean
it! Many cities have gone to
the raingarden concept and
not only captured the water
on site but cleaned it as well
plus saving millions of dol-
lars.
These landscaped
depressions look beautiful,
and the proper plants can
tolerate the flooded condi-
tion (as well as a drier condi-
tion) while slowing the flow
of stormwater to a seepage
rather than a flood. Biologi-
cal processes take care of
toxic substances.
Even lawns, while bet-
ter than paving, are not
extremely efficient at
absorbing stormwater.
Trees, however, are extreme-
ly efficient at stabilizing
water tables.
The city could save
millions by incorporating
rain gardens at key collecting
places all over the Five
Points watershed. Raingar-
dens are lovely landscaped
additions in the yards ofpri-
vate homes as well as busi-
nesses.
Also planting more
trees will increase the num-
ber of natural areas which
will act as "sponges" han-
dling water as mother nature
does. As a b'onus, the trees
and green roofs clean and
cool the air! Manmade engi-
neered solutions sometimes
do not work quite as well as
original natural solutions.
Charlene Nash,
aquatic horticulturist